I took part in a collective farewell at a close friend’s memorial last week, gaining a deeper understanding of a woman who lived a selfless life and earned the commendation by many as a saint.  I also came away with a sense that I am just not very good at funerals. 

To my defence, I have not had much practice.  This was my third funeral in 37 years.  My first was when I was 12 years old for a grandparent and the second was in my 20s to support a friend saying goodbye to his wife whom I had never met.  These experiences highlight the different positions we play at such farewell events.

The Players

The first obvious role is the dearly departed.  Having already done the hard yards, you who are no longer with us have it the easiest.  No planning, no stress, you have the best seat in the house to enjoy the proceedings.

The next role is the focus of the event, the immediate family.  Rational thought and behaviour are optional for you.  Cry, laugh, joke, the event is all about you taking the next steps in processing your grief.  Everyone else is here to support you. 

I will touch on a minor tole, that of the acquaintance or supporting-a-friend part.  You are largely nonplussed apart from perhaps slight discomfort in that you may not know anyone and you may experience emotional sympathetic pains from others.  Unless you are the sort who cries at funerals in general, you are an observer who sits quietly and partakes of the polite amount of food before exiting stage right.

The last role is the one I recently played.  This role is for those who feel a close connection to the lead actor, but are not immediate family.  You are processing your own grief and saying goodbye, while holding things together to be there for the family.  It is to this awkward position that I point my ponderings.

The challenge

I tend to get through life with witty banter and general optimism, tools of the trade that are not much use in a memorial situation.  Unfortunately, awareness of this reality does not always make its way to my mouth.  As such, I can find myself uttering inane phrases such as “How’s it going?” and “What’s going on?” at inopportune times, cringing even as the words escaped my mouth. 

In any other role at the event, I suppose I would not have had to reconcile this conflict.  As immediate family, anything I did could have been explained away.  I could have been overlooked had I simply been in the acquaintance support role.  Playing the close friend as I was, I was torn between wanting to be there for the family and bearing up under my own emotional burden.

The experience raises the potential for conflict between the different identity markers in life.  This was highlighted by my leaving part-way through the proceedings to deliver a kick-off project management presentation scheduled weeks prior.  Switching on the fly between my work role, a caring friend at the funeral, and a presenter was one of the more challenging endeavours of the year and not an experience I wish to repeat any time soon.

Just be yourself

I am sure everyone else listens to advice that has been directed towards me to “just be myself”.  The challenge with this recommendation is that the outward face of who we are can be situational, developed through repeated familiar interactions and modified through positive and negative reinforcement.  When in doubt, we can “put on” personae we feel may get us through with a modicum of success.  The question then is not “who am I”, but “who am I in this situation”.

As I get older, statistics say I am going to have more opportunities for practice in funeral scenarios.  If you are considering passing away sooner rather than later, I ask for your patience as you watch me fumble my way through perhaps emotional awkwardness.  Like many, I am simply working through life’s acting classes, with a grand plan to land a spot in the one role for which we need not practice at all.